How Your Self-Image Drives Your Life

 Why do some of us hang out with toxic people who we know are unhealthy for us? Imagine two hypothetical romantic candidates you could choose from: partner 1, a respectful, well-mannered and emotionally healthy guy who helps you see the best in yourself versus partner 2, a demeaning, judgmental brute who always goes out of their way to lower your self-esteem in order to easily manipulate you. Who would you choose? You’d expect the mass majority to overwhelming choose the nicer one, right?

 

Surprisingly, a 1992 study conducted by William Swann and his colleagues asked participants the exact same question, helping them confirm a pattern in which people made this decision. Swann found that people seek out interaction partners who confirm their existing self-views, even if those views are negative. The correlation between people with highly negative self-views and bad partner decisions was directly positive, meaning those with low self-esteem prefer interaction partners who view them in the same way they view themselves. To many who haven’t experienced this phenomenon, you must be confused in a sense. Why would someone who already feels very low choose to make matters worse for themselves?

 

According to the studies theory, those who felt unlovable and undeserving sought out the company of someone who treats them how they feel. The self-verification theory derived from this study solidifies the idea that we gravitate towards situations that confirm our own self views. So why did so many participants choose the worse off option? Why do so many people feel as if they aren’t enough?

One nefarious (albeit common) disorder that is largely characterized by a negative view of the self might help us break down where these unfortunate beliefs come from: depression. Us as human beings have a certain limited pool of emotional resources that we can expend. After a sad or upsetting experience, we’ve drained up that pool and need time to recover our emotional resources in order to take on the next challenge. One or two negative experiences are fine, but what if already susceptible individuals start to see the entire world as a negative experience—including how they see themselves? In that case, one would never get the chance to refill their emotional resources pool. Depression emerges out of a toxic mix of childhood trauma, genetics, and an unfortunate accumulation of life stressors combining to tell you loud and clear that you are not enough. The consistency of such intense misery is bound to break one’s spirit and leave them complacent in their own self-imposed alienation. (which only makes things worse, it’s a vicious never-ending cycle)

 

The manifestation of these beliefs begins in our thoughts, as theorized by psychologist Aaron Beck. According to Beck, depression results as a simultaneous negative view in the cognitive triad, consisting of three views: the self, the future, and the world. Depressed people have hopeless thoughts as their core beliefs. From this, a whole host of terrible thoughts pervade our thinking, resulting in internalized representations characterized by loss, failure, worthlessness, and rejection. Those depressed are also more likely to recall negative words about themselves and their experiences.

 

So how can you fix this? It’s just a matter of boosting your confidence, is it not? Well, if we take ourselves back to the self-verification theory, we remember how it reveals the universal pattern that we tend to rely on EXTERNAL sources to control our how much value we hold as an individual. Factors such as good looks, good grades, and how much we are liked and wanted become targets of obsession, alternatively meaning that if these sources were threatened, it would make sense then that our self-worth consequently lowers as well. When self-esteem is tied to things outside of control, it becomes extremely easy to create mental instabilities due to extreme fluctuations in emotions. The goal is to not rely on external factors to determine your self-worth, and look on the inside. Securities, things you feel grounded or confident in should become the focus, as they act as anchors. The stability of such anchors allows you to take risks, pursue goals, and connect with others without a confounding factor stuck in the back of your head about what people think of you. When you’re secure in something, the need to second guess yourself becomes a waste of time. On the other hand, insecurities do the opposite. They make you doubt your worth, hesitate to try new things, or sabotage relationships without even realizing it. The negative emotions that insecurities cause lead many people down into a deeper rabbit hole, creating a never ending vicious cycle of depression and anxiety.

 

Confidence doesn’t equate to perfection and absolutely 0 insecurity, because we are human after all. It means trusting that you are enough as you are, and you’ll grow where you fall short. It gives you permission to live fully while insecurity leaves you in survival mode. The presence of confidence (or the lack of it) drive your entire life, your decision making, how many opportunities are available to you, and your overall happiness--- so nurture your inner strength and build a life you dream of with a good foundation.